Mission to the Czech Republic

Since the house in which I’m currently staying has one of those free internet phones, I’ve been able to do some major catching up with friends and family, who all keep saying the same thing: you seem so happy there.

Being that it’s a rainy, cold, Friday night and I’m in one of those mellow, reflective moods, listening to Nora Jones and Amos Lee, I’ve been thinking a lot about this year. And last year. And the year before that. And how much I’ve changed, and how I’m a different person for it. And how I never in a million years thought I’d be doing what I’m doing right now. I couldn’t fathom it, but it’s such the perfect fit.

The last two years were incredibly, incredibly hard years…if you know me well, you know. There were so many times where it felt like it would never end…that I was just stuck in some endless hamster wheel. There were times when I begged and screamed at God to bring me out of it, to give me the life He promised (oh, selfish me). There were sweet times too, when I felt His presence so near, and I felt so confident in His Word. I know it’s pretty cliché to talk about “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” but I’ve begun to feel recently that after all this time, I’ve finally come far enough out of that valley to look back on it and be thankful for it. It’s amazing when I put the pieces together, and realize that if it wasn’t for that chain of events, I wouldn’t be where I am right now.

For pretty much my whole life I’ve heard people talk about how God knows what He’s doing…this is the first time where I feel like I’m really feeling that from a personal standpoint. I looked back at a post I wrote back in April or May, when I was first thinking about moving to Prague. I was terrified I’d make the wrong choice, and there were so many things that had to fall into place perfectly for this to work out. And one by one, the job came, the apartment came, the visa came, the friends came, and each potential roadblock has been demolished!! I’ve got a great apartment with really great roommates, the job doesn’t consume my life like I expected it would, and I’m pretty much having the time of my life.

Sometimes I start forgetting the real reason I came over here in the first place. Really, there were multiple reasons, but the main one, well, I know what it was supposed to be, but I’m not quite sure it was…..and it’s taken me a long time to admit that “missions” might not have been my priority deep down. Maybe it was, but with a different definition of “missions.” I felt like I needed to act in the appropriate “missionary” way, but failed miserably at it…

….I know I’ve said before that being taken out of your culture, you see how much of your faith is based on your culture. Not cultural influence is bad, but the absence of it seems to strip away all of the comforts and really get down to the roots.
Someone asked me recently, “Why do you believe in God?” I’m trying to think, and I can’t remember another time in my life when I’ve been asked that question so directly. I was one of those people who grew up going to Sunday school and youth group. Strangely enough, I always envied the people who didn’t grow up like that but decided to follow Jesus later in life. Their faith seemed more genuine; they had experienced life from both sides. They had something to compare it to. But being a shy kid, I stayed out of trouble as best I could, and never really had that “overnight” conversion some people have. I struggled for years worrying that maybe I wasn’t really a Christian because I didn’t remember the exact date and time I got “saved.”

My basic point of this is really that my faith has never really been my own. I had so much trust in my Sunday school teachers and youth pastors that I took everything they said as absolute truth. In most ways it was good because it started the foundation my faith was built on, but I never really thought much for myself. Even through college, I was always on the bandwagon of whoever was the new, cool, upcoming Christian band, singer, book, or author. First it was Wild at Heart and Do You Think I’m Beautiful? Then The Purpose Driven Life. Donald Miller and Rob Bell, Shane Barnard and Derek Webb (all of which have been personal favorites at one point or another).

Of course I liked them, but often because the Christian community around me liked them and, ever the people-pleaser, I couldn’t disagree. I thought all of them had great ideas, great messages, and I wanted to throw my support behind what they had to say. The problem was, you read enough books and listen to enough music, eventually their opinions are going to clash. This might seem very obvious to most people, but in my mind, I was thinking, wait a minute, if there is supposed to be absolute truth, how come all the Christian leaders have different ideas on everything from evangelism and church leadership to baptism and communion? It was incredibly frustrating. One minute everyone was die-hard about some new author; three months later, that author is “too legalistic,” the next “too traditional,” the next “too progressive” (and now it’s like, duh Jessica, of course they have different opinions, they’re people!!!) But I was really confused why if there really was one absolute truth, why no one seemed to agree on what it was. How was I supposed to know what it was?

And thus begins my mission to find out for myself.

I would like to mention I’m NOT criticizing the people in the Christian community; I’m just pointing out my own inability to think for myself. When someone asks me why I believe in God, I want to be able to give a real, genuine answer that means something to me. Not just “because I grew up going to church.” I want to go deeper and know Jesus more…not because that’s what I’m supposed to do, but because I honestly, genuinely want to. I’m not looking for a sign; it’s not like I’m going to give up my faith if I’m not satisfied with the outcome of this little endeavor. But I want my faith to really, truly be my own. I want to be able to read the Christian authors and be ok with agreeing or disagreeing with what they say, because I really believe there is that truth – that Jesus is the truth – and that, and maybe I’m way off on this, those authors and singers and denominations with such conflicting ideas all overlap on that one point somewhere even if they don’t overlap on anything else.

I’ve really benefited from having lots of conversations about faith and religion and God here in Prague. They haven’t been "this is absolute truth and if you don’t believe it, you’re screwed" sort of conversations, but more like "here’s some of my experiences and what I believe. I’d love to hear about yours." It’s been much more of a dialogue which is fascinating to me. Believers and non-believers alike, I’ve heard so many different stories and backgrounds of faith and doubt and disbelief and just life. It’s fascinating for me, never having really had conversations like this before. Not sure what kind of affect they will have in the long run, but for now I’m excited to be on this journey.

I know I still have a long way to go. Maybe in six months I’ll disagree with everything I’ve said above, who knows. That’s what growth takes, I guess. I have a feeling this will be a lifelong pursuit. Every so often I get frustrated and ask God why He isn’t drawing me closer, allowing me to feel His presence, somehow getting me to pray more, and I wonder when I’ll ever become that “super Christian” I sometimes feel like I should strive for. Then thankfully there are those times when I realize 1. I’m never going to be a “super Christian’ (what does that even mean anyway?) and 2. He’s working…sometimes only behind the scenes, but He’s working in our lives