Mission to the Czech Republic

I never cooked much before I came here, but in realizing that at some point in my life I needed to be able to do more than toast bread or place pre-made, pre-cut cookie dough into an oven, I figured that this year was a good time to start.

Really, what better time to start than when all products, directions, and ingredients are in a language I don’t understand? Below is a list of cooking tips for your reference, which I have compiled from various people’s ideas or creations this year, mostly including my own mishaps:

-boiled potatoes and scrambled eggs do not a Spanish omelet make.
-Mexican food is way more satisfying when you flip the tortillas in the frying pan
-there is such a thing as non-instant pudding; in such cases, adding milk and stirring for 30 minutes will not result in the desired pudding-y consistency
-if you run out of milk for your pancakes, red wine will suffice as a substitute
-peeling potatoes is much more dangerous if you do it after you boil them
-if you decide to whip your whipping cream by hand, don’t. Use a mixer, unless you want to waste an hour of your time with nothing to show for it but arthritis and half a bowl of white foam.
-make sure you know the word for butter before you buy it. The packets of lard look exactly the same
-baking soda is weaker in CZ…use more of it
-Bisquick can solve 85% of your cooking needs
-the juice is supposed to be that thick; you just need to add water to it
-cucumbers are not an ok substitute for zucchini in a baked dish
-simply estimating your accuracy when translating spice names can result in very, very hot chili
-Czech restaurants strongly believe that corn, tuna, broccoli, seafood of any kind, and blue cheese are sufficient pizza toppings. Just go with it.
-Sometimes your attempt to recreate the Bojangle’s bo-berry biscuit experience will result in flat, blueberry-flavored circles. We don’t know why, it just does. Again, go with it.