Mission to the Czech Republic

I’ve been debating recently how much information to include in my updates. The easy answer is to write a nice fluffy letter about all the people we are reaching, tie it with a pastel bow, and send it out so I can pat myself on the back with how good a job we’re doing over here. Of course I want to send home good news, but in all honesty it wouldn’t be the complete truth. And as you are my supporters and my friends, I want you to have a real, honest view of life in Ostrava. So here are some of my most recent thoughts—the good, the bad, the pastel, and the truth, as best I can write it:

November is when the downhill part of culture shock kicks in. I think my own personalized version of it has been getting hit smack in the face with reality. I know this sounds a bit ignorant and sheltered, but I have realized that yes, I am indeed an ignorant, sheltered person! And it’s incredibly painful when you begin to realize that life doesn’t happen the way you thought it would. You have to make decisions you never thought you would have to make, and you have to deal with the fact that some people just really don’t like you.

Lately, things have felt a bit like they’re spinning out of control. Living overseas seems to just bring out all the junk in your life and forces you to deal with it straight-on. It’s incredibly uncomfortable; especially when everyone around you is watching you go through it. I’ve struggled with feeling like a poor teacher, a failed friend, a selfish teammate, and an unspiritual Christian. My motives are wrong; I don’t care about the right things; I feel guilty for not feeling guilty. In the midst of the “I can't seem to to anything right” moments, there’s no one here to suggest otherwise. Everyone is so busy dealing with their own junk that there’s a general attitude of “just deal with it.”

Missionaries over here, especially the ones that have been here long-term, are amazingly thick-skinned. I admire them a lot and often put myself down for being “the weak one.” But if reality was like getting hit with an acorn, truth was like getting hit by the Number 12 Tram (not to distract from the impact of the acorn…it was a massive nut, I assure you). Amidst all of the feelings of inadequacy, weakness, ignorance, and wanting someone to tell me that I'm not bad at life, at life, I finally realized that, well, I pretty much am. I cannot live out the Christian life on my own. I am weak and inadequate, and I need some Jesus in my life! The amazing gospel of grace has never felt more real to me than it has here. For so long I’ve feared that people, even close friends, would see me as some hyper-emotional nutcase who doesn’t have it all together. But so what? Maybe I am a hyper-emotional nutcase, and I know I don’t have it all together. But that’s what’s so great about God. He doesn’t care. He accepts all of my failures and takes me as I am, even if no one else does. As obvious as this all sounds, I have this amazing gift of having to learn things the hard way. It’s been a pretty significant realization, and I only hope I can make it last long enough to actually apply it.

# posted by Jessica @ 7:57 AM